I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
