This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just gift wrapped bread.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So here I am, sexting at work.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
