I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
