i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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