Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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