You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize