I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
