i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
