i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
