just tell him i said nine months
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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