Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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