she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize