That's when you crack a 10am beer
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
