I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
