I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
