No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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