Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize