Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know her cup size but not her name....
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