Kiss
Puke
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
