I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize