It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
