Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
