i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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