I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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