Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
