my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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