She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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