You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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