Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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