I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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