Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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