How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize