My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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