He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
