I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
