I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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