Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
