And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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