Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
