On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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