watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize