I'm lost and stupid without you.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
