I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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