i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love you. Go after that dick
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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