i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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