Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
