I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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