there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
