Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
