where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
