dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
