So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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