The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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