I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
