Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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