I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
