I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
