you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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