Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
