life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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