i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
