And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
