please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
