yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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